aetherling (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
aetherling) wrote2013-02-09 12:10 am
aetherling) wrote2013-02-09 12:10 am
Entry tags:
Masks and Lies
I'm going to be truthful here, Internet, because I heard the Internet is where no one tells lies or makes things up. The truth is that I lie a lot. I've gotten really good at it. I've gotten so good that all this lying has built up this costume. This is why I didn't cosplay for a long time because I'm cosplaying myself at home. But I'm tired of lying. Really. I'm really. Tired. I'm also pissed because I have to tell so many lies to make my dad happy, except they don't make him any happier. They're just feeble attempts to stave off his anger. And well, it all goes back to how I've settled for this situation of living back with my parents, so my fault for not being brave enough to move out. Moving back in with him was supposed to make him happy. I don't think he's happy. Misery loves company. He's miserable. It's hard not to be miserable when I'm with him. My sister's miserable too. It's stupid--she's the one with a steady income, she can move out. Last night she even calculated it, saying she's not saving that much by living at home. I want her to move out because she will be happier out there, and I know life isn't worth living when you're living in the company of a man who is misery incarnate.
Anyways. Lying. I've lied myself up into this facade of a good obedient child. Substitute obedient with fearful and you'll be a little closer to the truth. I'm obedient because I'm afraid of making him angry. And it's so easy to make him angry when he's miserable like this. What makes him angry? The question is, what doesn't make him angry? Let's start with my sister. He doesn't like her boyfriend because he's fat. He wants her to break up with him because he's fat and he's in debt-creating law school. He wants her to not see him again. Because he's fat. Because his family is poorer. Because he will be in debt after law school. Because my dad thinks she still needs his policing despite her 24 years. Clearly, these are very strong reasons for my sister to break up with her boyfriend, if you are my dad. She's not listening to him because she's an adult and she can make her own decisions. He's having none of that. So she sees her boyfriend behind his back. He knows this and it makes him unhappier. He fervently looks at health-related news to preach that fat people will DIE and will be VERY DEAD because they are FAT. I love listening to him. That's a terrible lie. I hate hearing him talk about weight-related subjects and then bring it back to my sister's boyfriend. It's predictable. It got old months ago. I hate how I have to silently take it all even more though. I'm not expected to say anything, you see, unless I have words of agreement. Just like an obedient child. I hate how he must be seeing as my silence to be validation of his extreme views, or at least permission for him to keep talking about weight and health in a tone that suggests fat people are worse than Hitler.
If he's not talking about how much he does not like my sister's boyfriend, he is talking about how much he does not like everyone else. "Look at that mail lady we just passed on one of our miserable lunchtime walks. She's talking on her phone while walking back to her truck. If she loves talking on her phone so much, why doesn't she get a Bluetooth? This is why she always misplaces our mail." "Look at your mother's aunt's sons. They don't have real jobs. It's because they don't try. It's because they don't have a good father. All families need fathers because mothers are weak. Fathers do the real parenting in the family. Your mother is bad at what she does. She is a failure because she scheduled your brother's dentist appointment right before school." It's supposed to make him feel better if he snuffs out everyone's candles, I guess. Because he feels better when he sees everyone else as failures...? But out there, everyone is successful because they have jobs and he doesn't, so he doesn't even go out because he doesn't want to be seen as the loitering jobless man because he judges loitering jobless men so harshly himself. It's none of my business, what defines his manhood is his business. It becomes my business when his misery tries to snuff out my happiness though.
So he's always never liked it when my sister or I go out with friends. In high school every time I went to a party or even had dinner with friends, I'd never really enjoy myself because I know my dad is not happy with me, and he will let me know of his unhappiness one way or another. He's really big on the whole family eating dinner together. One less person is enough to make him dissatisfied, and usually he'll say something sarcastic like, "Well aren't they having fun!" to the rest of us. He also doesn't like it when I go out even 2 times in a week. I come back after a fun night with friends and he'll make some remark like, "Oh, enjoyed yourself, didn't you? Why don't you just go live with your friends then. You spend all of your time with them over your own family, you might as well join their family." Never mind the fact that 5 days out of that week I'm stuck with him, and he's not ecstatic about my presence. One winter break I spent my entire time at home, and this caused him to sneer at me about how I fail at my social life, and how annoyed he is to be seeing me all the time. So I quickly learned going out with friends all the time and feeling guilt and despair when I should be enjoying myself is better than staying in with him. All he does is talk about how worthless a Bio major is and how CS/Engineering is the only field that teaches an actual skill, and how I should be a doctor, and how awful my grades were, and how awful my college is, and my sister's boyfriend is fat, let's not forget that. I hole up in my room a lot now.
Anyways, my point is, today my sister went to have dinner with her coworker. My dad thinks she's seeing her boyfriend behind his back, and it's my fault because my mask is slipping and my lies aren't working. I accidentally told him we saw him last weekend when she was only supposed to go to that same coworker's place for lunch with no boyfriend in the picture whatsoever. I told him because my sister's boyfriend gave me suggestions for job opportunities and I thought this topic would make him happy because he's really bent on me doing something law-related (see, it's different when I pursue law school. Even though I don't. But when I "do", it is suddenly a noble and honorable profession), and all he remarked was, "Is he still fat?" This time she is absolutely not seeing him at this event, but my dad kept making remarks all day, "She says she'll be back at 10? Oh she should just stay over there then. No need for her to come back! Tell her she can stay with her fat boyfriend!" and it makes me want to punch his stupid butthurt face.
But I should really be punching myself. I shouldn't have told her afterwards that he said that, because her entire night was soured by the fact that when she goes home, she will have to face our angry father. She shouldn't. There's nothing wrong with staying out late when you're 24. There's nothing wrong with having dinner with other people. There's nothing wrong with seeing her boyfriend even though she's not seeing him tonight. There's nothing wrong with enjoying the company of people aside from our father.
But it's all wrong because of him. And I enable his behavior with my obedient mask and my silence and the mountain of lies, lies, lies. I don't want to do this anymore. But I do. I will tell him another lie soon. And I will continue to do so for a very long time.
Thee truth is never worth telling anymore.
Anyways. Lying. I've lied myself up into this facade of a good obedient child. Substitute obedient with fearful and you'll be a little closer to the truth. I'm obedient because I'm afraid of making him angry. And it's so easy to make him angry when he's miserable like this. What makes him angry? The question is, what doesn't make him angry? Let's start with my sister. He doesn't like her boyfriend because he's fat. He wants her to break up with him because he's fat and he's in debt-creating law school. He wants her to not see him again. Because he's fat. Because his family is poorer. Because he will be in debt after law school. Because my dad thinks she still needs his policing despite her 24 years. Clearly, these are very strong reasons for my sister to break up with her boyfriend, if you are my dad. She's not listening to him because she's an adult and she can make her own decisions. He's having none of that. So she sees her boyfriend behind his back. He knows this and it makes him unhappier. He fervently looks at health-related news to preach that fat people will DIE and will be VERY DEAD because they are FAT. I love listening to him. That's a terrible lie. I hate hearing him talk about weight-related subjects and then bring it back to my sister's boyfriend. It's predictable. It got old months ago. I hate how I have to silently take it all even more though. I'm not expected to say anything, you see, unless I have words of agreement. Just like an obedient child. I hate how he must be seeing as my silence to be validation of his extreme views, or at least permission for him to keep talking about weight and health in a tone that suggests fat people are worse than Hitler.
If he's not talking about how much he does not like my sister's boyfriend, he is talking about how much he does not like everyone else. "Look at that mail lady we just passed on one of our miserable lunchtime walks. She's talking on her phone while walking back to her truck. If she loves talking on her phone so much, why doesn't she get a Bluetooth? This is why she always misplaces our mail." "Look at your mother's aunt's sons. They don't have real jobs. It's because they don't try. It's because they don't have a good father. All families need fathers because mothers are weak. Fathers do the real parenting in the family. Your mother is bad at what she does. She is a failure because she scheduled your brother's dentist appointment right before school." It's supposed to make him feel better if he snuffs out everyone's candles, I guess. Because he feels better when he sees everyone else as failures...? But out there, everyone is successful because they have jobs and he doesn't, so he doesn't even go out because he doesn't want to be seen as the loitering jobless man because he judges loitering jobless men so harshly himself. It's none of my business, what defines his manhood is his business. It becomes my business when his misery tries to snuff out my happiness though.
So he's always never liked it when my sister or I go out with friends. In high school every time I went to a party or even had dinner with friends, I'd never really enjoy myself because I know my dad is not happy with me, and he will let me know of his unhappiness one way or another. He's really big on the whole family eating dinner together. One less person is enough to make him dissatisfied, and usually he'll say something sarcastic like, "Well aren't they having fun!" to the rest of us. He also doesn't like it when I go out even 2 times in a week. I come back after a fun night with friends and he'll make some remark like, "Oh, enjoyed yourself, didn't you? Why don't you just go live with your friends then. You spend all of your time with them over your own family, you might as well join their family." Never mind the fact that 5 days out of that week I'm stuck with him, and he's not ecstatic about my presence. One winter break I spent my entire time at home, and this caused him to sneer at me about how I fail at my social life, and how annoyed he is to be seeing me all the time. So I quickly learned going out with friends all the time and feeling guilt and despair when I should be enjoying myself is better than staying in with him. All he does is talk about how worthless a Bio major is and how CS/Engineering is the only field that teaches an actual skill, and how I should be a doctor, and how awful my grades were, and how awful my college is, and my sister's boyfriend is fat, let's not forget that. I hole up in my room a lot now.
Anyways, my point is, today my sister went to have dinner with her coworker. My dad thinks she's seeing her boyfriend behind his back, and it's my fault because my mask is slipping and my lies aren't working. I accidentally told him we saw him last weekend when she was only supposed to go to that same coworker's place for lunch with no boyfriend in the picture whatsoever. I told him because my sister's boyfriend gave me suggestions for job opportunities and I thought this topic would make him happy because he's really bent on me doing something law-related (see, it's different when I pursue law school. Even though I don't. But when I "do", it is suddenly a noble and honorable profession), and all he remarked was, "Is he still fat?" This time she is absolutely not seeing him at this event, but my dad kept making remarks all day, "She says she'll be back at 10? Oh she should just stay over there then. No need for her to come back! Tell her she can stay with her fat boyfriend!" and it makes me want to punch his stupid butthurt face.
But I should really be punching myself. I shouldn't have told her afterwards that he said that, because her entire night was soured by the fact that when she goes home, she will have to face our angry father. She shouldn't. There's nothing wrong with staying out late when you're 24. There's nothing wrong with having dinner with other people. There's nothing wrong with seeing her boyfriend even though she's not seeing him tonight. There's nothing wrong with enjoying the company of people aside from our father.
But it's all wrong because of him. And I enable his behavior with my obedient mask and my silence and the mountain of lies, lies, lies. I don't want to do this anymore. But I do. I will tell him another lie soon. And I will continue to do so for a very long time.
Thee truth is never worth telling anymore.