aetherling (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
aetherling) wrote2013-01-13 03:12 pm
aetherling) wrote2013-01-13 03:12 pm
Entry tags:
meaningless drivel
I don't know. Really, I don't know if I should be wasting my time trying to rant on the Internet when I should be looking for a job. No--I'm lying. I do know I should be looking for a job--any job at this point. Because getting out of this messed-up house should've been my number one priority. My dad's right--I'm not a child anymore. And in the end, I have no one to blame but myself for my infinite laziness and the silly assumption that I could actually live comfortably here. It's not comfortable here at all. It's been freezing cold and I'm far away from where I want to be--where I can at least pretend like I'm an adult--where I was actually happy.
I'm not sure what the point of this is, exactly. Writing a private post on the Internet, the ultimate public forum, is kind of...strange. It's like a part of me wants my voice to be heard but doesn't want it heard by people. A part of me wants to rant online like I'm back in middle school with all my friends giving me comforting comments and the other part is slapping my hand and scolding me for reverting back to a pre-teen phase when I posted even more meaningless drivel for everyone to see. I could always do this in a personal journal. Just open up a Word document and pour out my heart into my laptop. No--I want to be heard. I'm so tired of silencing my thoughts and voice for others. Maybe this entry should be made public for the passing strangers that happen upon this journal. Maybe it should be private to only my friends. I don't have friends on dreamwidth at this moment. I don't know, I don't know. I feel like if I put this public, anyone stumbling on this journal will see this entry worthy of an emo teenager when I'd rather be seen as some cool mysterious writer with absolutely no real life shit going on. Oh what's the use? It's impossible for me to not sound like an emo teenager at this point, not when I have all these feels and problems and people around my immediate person regard me as if I've never gone through college at all. The facade will come crumbling down eventually. And it's stupid because, because I'm surrounded by friends who have legitimate family problems, and I'm just sitting here complaining about my family problems.
I should just pay for a therapist or something and demand they teach me how to shield my heart instead of "embracing my feelings" like my last counselor said, because I'm embracing them a little too much. I want to know how to not feel exasperated and angry and frustrated when my dad "suggests" I take the GRE, MCAT, LSAT, and GMAT. Yes, all 4 of them--why don't I just throw TOEFL in there for shits and giggles at this point--I don't care anymore. I want to know how I can point out how ridiculous it is to take 4 freaking tests without being told I'm "close-minded" by not swallowing their "brilliant" advice without a gag reflex. How do you make parents listen when they feel threatened by their own offspring pointing out the cracks from living in their own bubbles for so long? How do you make parents understand that you feel lost in this moment where life has come to a murky intersection of choices but you don't want them to force you into a path they want you to do because you are essentially Them 2.0 and they plan to achieve their life goals through you? How do you try to communicate so that they listen?
Why am I so stupid to tell them anything ever? They never...they make you regret confiding in them. I don't think I deserve to turn older anymore after being burned so many times, yet never learning my lesson.
Graduating early was one of the worst things I've ever done to myself.
I'm not sure what the point of this is, exactly. Writing a private post on the Internet, the ultimate public forum, is kind of...strange. It's like a part of me wants my voice to be heard but doesn't want it heard by people. A part of me wants to rant online like I'm back in middle school with all my friends giving me comforting comments and the other part is slapping my hand and scolding me for reverting back to a pre-teen phase when I posted even more meaningless drivel for everyone to see. I could always do this in a personal journal. Just open up a Word document and pour out my heart into my laptop. No--I want to be heard. I'm so tired of silencing my thoughts and voice for others. Maybe this entry should be made public for the passing strangers that happen upon this journal. Maybe it should be private to only my friends. I don't have friends on dreamwidth at this moment. I don't know, I don't know. I feel like if I put this public, anyone stumbling on this journal will see this entry worthy of an emo teenager when I'd rather be seen as some cool mysterious writer with absolutely no real life shit going on. Oh what's the use? It's impossible for me to not sound like an emo teenager at this point, not when I have all these feels and problems and people around my immediate person regard me as if I've never gone through college at all. The facade will come crumbling down eventually. And it's stupid because, because I'm surrounded by friends who have legitimate family problems, and I'm just sitting here complaining about my family problems.
I should just pay for a therapist or something and demand they teach me how to shield my heart instead of "embracing my feelings" like my last counselor said, because I'm embracing them a little too much. I want to know how to not feel exasperated and angry and frustrated when my dad "suggests" I take the GRE, MCAT, LSAT, and GMAT. Yes, all 4 of them--why don't I just throw TOEFL in there for shits and giggles at this point--I don't care anymore. I want to know how I can point out how ridiculous it is to take 4 freaking tests without being told I'm "close-minded" by not swallowing their "brilliant" advice without a gag reflex. How do you make parents listen when they feel threatened by their own offspring pointing out the cracks from living in their own bubbles for so long? How do you make parents understand that you feel lost in this moment where life has come to a murky intersection of choices but you don't want them to force you into a path they want you to do because you are essentially Them 2.0 and they plan to achieve their life goals through you? How do you try to communicate so that they listen?
Why am I so stupid to tell them anything ever? They never...they make you regret confiding in them. I don't think I deserve to turn older anymore after being burned so many times, yet never learning my lesson.
Graduating early was one of the worst things I've ever done to myself.